Active Listening

Are you familiar with the term "active listening?"  I wasn't either until a psychologist told me about it in the mid-1990's.  I hadn't really thought about it much in detail until I had to work with a guy in our office who obviously doesn't understand the concept.

You are actively listening to someone when you concentrate on the exact meaning  of what they're saying and you don't try to build your response to them before they finish speaking.  Active listening tells the other person that you value what they're saying and it's also common courtesy.  It's an incredibly useful skill, but for most people it doesn't come naturally.

When you're having a conversation with someone and they're not actively listening to you, they tend to interrupt you a lot before you finish your sentences.  By not listening to your entire sentence they miss the meaning of what you're trying to say.  It can be extremely frustrating if you're trying to convey some important information and they just seem to be missing the point entirely.  It makes sense that they don't understand you if they interrupt you before you've completely conveyed your point.  It's impossible for a person to listen to you for comprehension when they're speaking at the same time. 

So, when I first met this guy at work (we'll just call him Alex), it was because he contacted me to find out about a computer system that I manage.  He asked a question about the configuration and I started to answer.  I was about halfway through my first sentence when he started speaking again.  It was clear that he hadn't understood the concept I was trying to convey.  This was no surprise because there's no way he had heard any of the information contained in the second half of my sentence.  This went on for about 10 minutes before I was completely fed up with it.

I just stopped speaking altogether.  After another 5 minutes of Alex talking to himself and not understanding anything I had told him, he stopped for a couple of seconds and then asked if I was still on the call or if we had been disconnected.  I assured him that I was still there and then he asked why I wasn't talking.  So I told him.

"Alex, first let me say that if you interrupt me again I'm hanging up and you're on your own with this system.  I've answered your question at least 4 times already, but you started talking over me so clearly you didn't hear my answer.  If you would like me to answer your question again then I need a promise from you that you won't interrupt me again and that you will listen until I finish speaking.  The answer to your question is simple so it will take about 10 seconds for me to give it to you.  After I finish I will listen to you in the same manner and not interrupt you while you're speaking.  Will that work for you?"

Alex was a little confused at first, but he realized that the only way he was going to get his question answered was if he refrained from talking and just listened for 10 seconds so he reluctantly agreed.  It worked.  He understood what I said.  In another 10 seconds we had a game plan and we disconnected the call.  I immediately made the change he requested and sent him a message telling him it was complete.  End of story.  After that, every conversation I've had with Alex has been productive because he knows I will stop talking entirely or simply disconnect if he interrupts.

This approach does not work on drunk people.  It takes them longer to realize that you're just sitting there staring at them and not saying anything.  Then they decide that you're being an asshole and usually the result is some hurt feelings.  I'm still trying to figure out how to handle a drunk interrupter effectively so for now I just stop talking to them entirely and turn my attention to something else rather than replying to whatever they were talking about when they interrupted.

There is another type of someone not actively listening that is a little harder to spot.  Sometimes the other person doesn't interrupt, but after you're done speaking to them it's evident that they didn't understand a word you just said.  This means one of three things.

First, and most common, it's because the person starts building his response before you stop speaking so they miss half of what you're saying.

Second, the reason could be that you're explaining something in terms that they don't understand so they stop listening to you.  This is your fault.  Know your audience and use terms and concepts they can understand.

Third, the other person may just be dumb as a box of rocks and there's no chance that they will ever understand what you're saying no matter how you say it.  In this case I've been able to avoid calling someone stupid by suggesting that we bring a third person into the conversation to get their opinion on the subject.  Make sure that the third person is someone they trust and is more likely to understand what you're saying, like another member of their department.  This has been a good way for me to get through the conversation without saying anything that will hurt the other person's feelings or make them feel inadequate and still allow things to move forward.

I hope this post is useful to you in your various endeavors.  Learning how to practice active listening has been very valuable for me in both work and personal situations and I hope you will give it a try.  it just might make your life better.